Thanksgiving – Senior welfare home care, san diego, california –
Thanksgiving Caregiver Stress: 10 tips – Holiday Senior Care Video
Holidays are supposed to be times of joy, celebration and rest. But if you’re caring for a loved one, they can be anything but restful. Mary Alexander from Home Instead, Inc., franchisor of the Home Instead Senior Care® network, shares a few tips family caregivers can follow to manage expectations and minimize stress. Watch the video.
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1. Set Boundaries: When to Say No
I have a good friend, let’s call her Jennifer, who is expected to cook dinner for her entire family (5 aunts, 6 uncles, 11 rambunctious teenagers, the grandparents, her husband, and her kids) every Thanksgiving. For whatever reason, Jennifer was slotted as the expert cook many years ago in her family, and now, why wouldn’t she cook for everyone? After all, no one can do it like she does. Of course, if she is going to cook all that food, she may as well host, right? It’s just more convenient for everyone.
Everyone except Jennifer.
I’m sure we all know someone just like her, and maybe WE are the Jennifer for our respective families. It can be hard to say no and hard to break free of family norms and traditions. But without speaking up and saying, “no,” it is never going to stop. It is up to us to set the boundaries and limits of what others expect from us. By setting these boundaries, we can reduce our obligations — at least some of them — and thereby reduce some of our stress.
If you are the designated hostess or family cook, consider reading Nicole Levison’s new article on Hassle-Free Holidays. She offers suggestions such as ordering out, or hosting a potluck dinner, where everyone contributes.
2. See the Whole Family, Just Not At Once
As the daughter of divorced parents, I’ve got a whole extra layer of houses to visit for the holidays. I used to try to see everyone each holiday…this was time-consuming, expensive, and stressful. Not only for me, but also for my family. I had such strict timelines of when I had to leave (to go see the other family member), that I short-shifted everyone.
By limiting holidays to one parent, (Mom gets Christmas, Dad gets Thanksgiving), I significantly reduced my stress and that of my loved ones.
Those with young children of their own may try to see every Grandparent for each holiday. Again, this may involve a lot of “road time” and not enough “lounge on the couch time.” Consider hosting holiday parties at “off” times in the year or around the holidays but not on actual holiday days. This is one way you can avoid the multiple-house-holiday-fete and make the time you spend with each side of the family worthwhile.
3. Count to Ten
We’ve all heard this one before: when angry or upset, just count to ten and let your rational side gain control over knee-jerk reactions. It’s easier said than done, but when you at least try to count to ten, chance are you’ll be somewhat calmer when addressing whatever concern comes your way.
Around the holidays it is especially important to “check” yourself before reacting to a statement or suggestion that may be explosive. For example, if Aunt Judie calls you and says, “It would be nice if you changed the flights to an earlier time so we don’t have to have dinner so late,” resist the urge to tell her what you really feel at that moment. Take a deep breath, and respond by saying, “I understand it can be a real inconvenience for everyone to eat so late. Maybe you can have a bigger lunch with the whole family, and the dinner can be smaller? We just really want to see you.”
This way you:
- Ignore the debate of whether or not you can change travel plans (you made those plans for a reason so don’t back down)
- Address the hidden concern (everyone is going to be hungry waiting around for you)
- Diffuse the situation by mentioning the true purpose of the get-together: to see everyone!
This strategy may not work, and we’ve all been in challenging situations with family members where they simply don’t listen. But I guarantee you’ll lessen any potential conflict if you react without anger.
4. Be Creative with Seating Arrangements
Let’s face it: not everyone is best friends with all family members all the time. Let’s say your husband has never gotten along with your brother. You can deny that the tension exists, or you can accept it, and simply sit them at opposite ends of the dinner table. You’ll never eliminate potential conflict, but the key word here is REDUCE.
I remember being very excited when I was finally “allowed” to move from the kids’ table to the adult table for our family get-togethers. It was only when I was older that I realized this privilege had to do with a combination of age and maturity. If you acted like a child and needed handholding, you were relegated to the kids’ table in the other room. This served a few purposes, not the least of which was peace and quiet for the adults trying to enjoy their holiday meal! If your family consists of young children, it can be a good idea to separate them into another room. Of course, someone will need to supervise the kids but it can be helpful to take turns — say, 15 minutes at a time — so each adult gets a little time with the kids, while still being able to enjoy the holiday dinner.
5. Keep People Busy
Keeping everyone occupied during the holiday meal preparation and after can be one way of reducing potential problems. If everyone has set tasks such as setting the table, making the gravy, folding napkins…they may too busy to nit-pick anyone else. The same goes for after dinner, too. Give everyone a task before they are “allowed” to go watch a game on T.V. Maybe the task is simply bringing all the dishes to the kitchen or emptying the trash. Whatever it is, give everyone at least one small task rather than let a small group of people (often, the women in the family) take on the entire role of cleaning up.
6. Let it Lie
I have a friend who is a vegetarian. Thanksgiving has traditionally been the one day every single family member would preach to her about why it is bad that she is a vegetarian, why she should just taste the turkey once, “It would make Grandma so happy!” etc. She started associating Thanksgiving with a long day of justifying herself.
This is just one example of what I like to call, “Unneeded challenges during holidays.” You might not agree with someone’s choice of a car, food preferences, spouse, house payments, or vacation destination. But it isn’t your life. Holidays should be a time to enjoy, but we all know that jealousy and insecurity tend to raise their ugly heads during family gatherings. If you are the one who is challenged during the holidays, remember that people who challenge do so because they may somehow be threatened by your choice. If you understand that, it becomes easier not to explode emotionally, and simply address the question with kindness. Some topics might not be easily explained or discussed, and a simple, “That’s an interesting point.” is a tactful way to avoid potential conflict.
And here is the hardest part: when others try to pick a fight (even if it is unintentional on their part), be the bigger person.
7. Deal with Finances
We may not buy presents for family members on Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving is far from innocent when it comes to our paychecks. All that food costs money…and Thanksgiving is actually a bigger travel day for Americans than Chanukah and Christmas. The train fares and airfares are often three or four times average costs during this 4-day holiday.
As mentioned before, one way to reduce your cost for food is to host a potluck, or suggest it to whoever is hosting the family dinner. All those leftovers, if stored and divided up properly, can mean several meals for each family after T-day!
For travel, one way to reduce costs is to travel at off-times. For example, if the family dinner is at 4pm on Thursday, you could consider driving or taking the plane the morning of (depending on the distance). Statistics show a majority of travelers make Thanksgiving travel plans the Wednesday before — and peak hours are between 2pm and 8pm on that Wednesday. Avoiding peak times might get you better prices — and it may reduce stress. Less people means shorter lines, less traffic, and quicker travel times. That’s never a bad thing!
If you and your family can avoid hotels and stay at a relative’s home (if you are traveling), it can save big bucks. It might not be ideal, but for one night, it could be worth it.
Keep in mind that sleeping on couches and floors may be unappealing to adults…but younger kids, if you have them, tend to find this amusing. If you make it into a “big sleepover” night with sleeping bags and pillow fights, it might actually make cramped quarters, say, on a living room floor, “fun” for the family.
8. Get Enough Sleep
Stress begets insomnia…and insomnia begets stress. This vicious cycle can be stopped — be sure to read our articles on Insomnia and help ensure a good night’s rest.
Sleep is especially important during the holiday season, because we get so worn down during the day with extra duties. Holiday cooking, preparing to host a gathering, shopping for presents or food are all additional chores on top of our already busy lives. Take note of the fact that you’re performing double or even triple duty. Sleep lets us recover from our hard work, is essential to maintaining an even keel when things get rough, and helps gives us needed energy to get through the holidays!
9. Stay Healthier
Holiday stress can feel a lot worse if you’re not feeling 100%. Getting enough sleep is the first step to avoiding sickness over the holidays. Some other tips include a glass of orange juice each day, washing your hands as often as possible, and covering your mouth up when going outside into cold weather. A scarf can also double as a “protector” when surrounded by people at stores or on public transportation who are sick and coughing. Taking a walk (dress warmly if you live in a cold environment) can help you clear your mind, reduce stress, and help you get exercise. All of these things will aid in keeping you healthier this season.
10. Embrace Your Family, Flaws and All
Around the holidays, we are bombarded by made for T.V. movies that showcase the joy and love around the holidays. Real-life families are not perfect. The first step to having a good time around the holidays is to realize you will have potential conflict and that it is normal. The stories may be different from family to family, but we’ve all experienced some silly or unbelievable things during the holidays. Laughing about past holiday events can be a great way to break the ice if things start going downhill. Ask everyone to talk about the funniest or most embarrassing thing that happened last Thanksgiving, you’ll be surprised at the bond this forms.
11. One Last Tip: Celebrate Those Who are With You in Spirit
During the holiday season, we are often saddened by the memories of loved ones who are no longer with us. If this is the first Thanksgiving without a dear loved one, it is normal to feel lonely, scared, depressed, lost, angry, upset, bitter, sad, resentful, hopeful, all in one. The holidays without a loved one can be particularly painful as we remember some of the beautiful moments we shared with this person or the things we didn’t say or do.
Some families abandon holiday traditions after the passing of a loved one, but this can make the transition to life without them even more difficult. Surrounding yourself by people you love, surviving family members, or friends and neighbors, can help you cope through the holidays.
One of my cousin’s daughters (she was five years old at the time) surprised us all last year by creating a collage full of humorous pictures of her Great-Grandfather and presenting it at a family gathering last year. She had a picture of him in a Santa costume “He didn’t fool me,” and some other laughable pictures. Not only did she diffuse the sadness in the room, but also she made us all laugh as we remembered the days the pictures were taken. I’m sure this is exactly what he would have wanted.
Remember your loved ones and know, that they are with you in spirit.
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